Contemplations

I’ve been in a contemplative mood the last few days. I’m somewhere between content and miserable, but beyond that I’ve been unable to pinpoint my exact emotion. It’s an odd sort of limbo, really.

Part of my thinking has revolved around how much I detest living in New York City these days. I [heart] NY, don’t get me wrong. But I am really and truly sick of the streetlamp that shines directly into my bedroom window all night, and the buses that go by at 6:00 in the morning, and the garbage trucks that interrupt every thought, whether I’m awake or asleep, and the airplane traffic, and the people walking by my window having loud cell-phone conversations, and, and… I miss having grass and barbecues and the sound of birds and a place of my own that is not connected to anyone else’s space. I miss having a small piece of Earth where I don’t have some sort of advertising getting crammed down my throat at every opportunity. The ads – they’re insidious here. I can’t take it any more.

Another part of my contemplation has to do with money. As in, I don’t have any. I don’t know if people really believe me when I say I’m poor. I can understand why, really. I do work a decent job and I do receive a decent salary (kind of). But I am drowning in debt. Drowning. 90% of my debt is school loans, but they are oppressive. I spend more on paying back school loans than I do on rent and utilities every month. And I’ve made my mistakes with credit. Who hasn’t? I’m doing my best to get it under control, but I feel like I’ve not been able to buy essential items, like shoes that don’t have tears in the soles, or bras that aren’t stretched to the point that I might as well not wear them any more, or glasses so that I can see in the mornings. I feel like a ragamuffin. I can hardly afford to do laundry once a month.

And yet. Yet I somehow find the money to go out for dinner and drinks once in a while. I find the money to go on short trips out of town. So how could times be so desperate?

It’s hard to find that balance between necessity and desire, and bridging the gap between needs and wants. But perhaps now is the time to take my cue and try to figure it out rather than ignoring it and doing what I want all the time. And I have no idea how I’m going to do that.

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