I’ve been in a contemplative mood the last few days. I’m somewhere between content and miserable, but beyond that I’ve been unable to pinpoint my exact emotion. It’s an odd sort of limbo, really.

Part of my thinking has revolved around how much I detest living in New York City these days. I [heart] NY, don’t get me wrong. But I am really and truly sick of the streetlamp that shines directly into my bedroom window all night, and the buses that go by at 6:00 in the morning, and the garbage trucks that interrupt every thought, whether I’m awake or asleep, and the airplane traffic, and the people walking by my window having loud cell-phone conversations, and, and… I miss having grass and barbecues and the sound of birds and a place of my own that is not connected to anyone else’s space. I miss having a small piece of Earth where I don’t have some sort of advertising getting crammed down my throat at every opportunity. The ads – they’re insidious here. I can’t take it any more.

Another part of my contemplation has to do with money. As in, I don’t have any. I don’t know if people really believe me when I say I’m poor. I can understand why, really. I do work a decent job and I do receive a decent salary (kind of). But I am drowning in debt. Drowning. 90% of my debt is school loans, but they are oppressive. I spend more on paying back school loans than I do on rent and utilities every month. And I’ve made my mistakes with credit. Who hasn’t? I’m doing my best to get it under control, but I feel like I’ve not been able to buy essential items, like shoes that don’t have tears in the soles, or bras that aren’t stretched to the point that I might as well not wear them any more, or glasses so that I can see in the mornings. I feel like a ragamuffin. I can hardly afford to do laundry once a month.

And yet. Yet I somehow find the money to go out for dinner and drinks once in a while. I find the money to go on short trips out of town. So how could times be so desperate?

It’s hard to find that balance between necessity and desire, and bridging the gap between needs and wants. But perhaps now is the time to take my cue and try to figure it out rather than ignoring it and doing what I want all the time. And I have no idea how I’m going to do that.


7 responses to “Contemplations

  • toadman

    Truffula trees are what people need.

    Get thyself to the country.

  • AnnieElf

    I’m hearing an echo. My son is faced with the exact same problem and so far no job in sight. Possibilities but that’s it. It’s hard being young and clearing out all the school debt. Been there, done that. However, it does go away and learning lessons of moderation now will keep more of this garbage away later. I know I sound all meally-mouth and pontificating, but it DOES get better. I promise.

  • treespotter

    i don’t wanna sound like a wiseass… but really, sometimes it’s easier to think of what you want when they’re just out of your reach. better that way. give you a reason to go and to move.

    sometimes, you’ve everything within grasp, and you don’t know what you want. which is infinitely worse.

  • Karen

    I’m terrible at financial advice, but I will say that moving out of the city can do wonders for your peace of mind. Maybe if you take care of that, the rest will be easier.

  • fiction dept

    sometimes i read your blog and it’s like reading my own journal…. i TOTALLY get what you’ve written. the best advice anyone has ever given me is this: you know exactly what you need to do and when you need to do it… it’s just a matter of whether you will listen to yourself or not.

    That little voice inside is very, very wise… far more wise than most of us give it credit.

  • the Caitlinator

    To top everything off, I’ve just gotten notice (again) from my brother’s school loan company, saying that he is delinquent. And, since I gave him the benefit of the doubt all those years ago and cosigned his loan when no one else would, I am responsible to pay it. $400 a month. Of course I cannot reach him. I am beyond frustration.

  • treespotter

    my brother did drugs, and i had to pay his detox clinic, too.

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