Trial by Fire

Since my last post, my week turned to total shit.

Billy’s grandmother died Tuesday night. He left Wednesday morning to visit with his parents and will be driving up with them today for the service this coming Wednesday.

I received some really upsetting news about my own family on Wednesday afternoon and I’ve been in sort of a tailspin since then. I was FILLED with this rage I could not contain. It isn’t so long ago I would have drowned that rage in booze – vodka, in particular. In fact, I’d planned to come home from school that night, stopping at the diner along the way so I could get a Belgian waffle with chocolate ice cream – to go. I was then going to drizzle that thing with Sambuca and eat it and finish off the bottle before passing out on the couch, feeling no pain.

Instead, I went to the gym in between classes Wednesday afternoon and ran two miles on the treadmill in just over 18 minutes. That is the fastest I have EVER run. And it came so easily to me. Afterwards I still had anger to burn, so I biked three miles. And then I lifted weights for a half an hour. And when I got home, I was too tired to pour the vodka. And I think that was really for the best. A hangover would not have helped my mood. Sleep and exhaustion were a help.

The rest of the week has been a slow recovery from the shock of the news. Yesterday I ran intervals at the gym – five miles. The exercise really helps. I’m slowly coming to accept the changes in my family, though it is still far from easy or reconciled in my mind and heart.

All this I’ve had to do on my own, with Billy down south tending to his own family crisis. Sometimes I realize that I am stronger than I imagined and that a Saturday with nothing to do but watch DVDs all day is absolutely the best medicine a girl could want.


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