Contemplating.


I’ve been sort of discombobulated this week. The holiday in the middle of the week, paired with my alcohol binge during said holiday, followed by the two days of recovery from said binge have added up to a whole lot of weirdness. My home should be my haven but it has been neglected for weeks and now I look for every excuse to leave, just so I don’t have to kill the roaches that have taken up residence in my oven.

But that’s not what I’m here to tell you.

In the past month or so, things have been happening that have sort of opened my eyes to certain possibilities that I’d quietly swept away into a corner for later, never knowing for sure if later would ever come. For one, I’ve accumulated a massive debt via medical bills amassed solely to tell me that there’s no explanation for why I bleed out my ass when I run long distances and that I should just suck it up or stop running. Hey, that was a good use of $8,000 I don’t have.

But I’m not bitter about that.

Because you know, faced with that kind of debt, I find myself having to be creative about income. And when you couple that new need with the fact that I’m just ROCKING the Queens College art program over there, you start to see this little person emerging out of me that is sort of blinking in the light wondering, hey… could I be, maybe, an artist?

And so dreams have sort of re-emerged, only this time instead of just sweeping them aside for later, I’m wondering if maybe, just maybe they’re worth the effort of the good old college try. Things like, hey, knitting 100 personalized dolls and selling them for $20 a pop. Or going to some stock photo companies to see if they might be interested in pimping out some of my photos for me. Or even knitting clothes or blankets to sell, or other little toys. Maybe some graphic design work.

And as I entertain these thoughts, I find myself thinking for down the line; do I really want to teach art? And I see myself answering, yes, yes I do, but maybe I want to teach art my own way at my own school. Maybe I want to teach art to those kids whose art programs have been cut from the budget. Or to teach adults who have never allowed themselves to play with different mediums. I see fingerpainting for adults as a likely course title.

Anyway. These are the things I’m thinking. Don’t know what will come of it at this point. All I know is I’m knitting like there’s no tomorrow and only time can really tell what will happen when tomorrow really does come.

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