I am too stressed out today.
I woke up at 6am to go running. The sun is noticeably lower in the sky when I go out running now. Noticeably lower as in, not up yet. The sky is light but the sun is yet to peek over the horizon. While it’s nice not having the glare of sun blinding me as I dodge the dog poop and uneven sidewalks, it’s also kind of sad because it means the summer is ending. And I haven’t really done everything I wanted to do this summer. Not even close, actually.
When I got back to the apartment, Billy was gone. And because I have pushed myself beyond my mortal limits for so many months without rest, I completely lost it. I fell into heaving sobs of convulsive tears, certain that he’d left because he hates me, a symptom of our clearly damned relationship, and worst of all, because now I would have to wash the dirty dishes in the sink myself.
This misery followed me throughout the day, into the shower where the sobs turned to sniffles and onto the subway where I clutched my bag to my chest as I tried to hold back the sighs. It sneaked into the office with me, weighing my eyelids down, tightening the folds in my brain till they hurt. And then Billy called.
Turns out his father is in the hospital, which is ironic since just yesterday I was talking to Siggi about how Billy had been acting strange lately and she’d said, maybe his father is in the hospital, mainly because the last time I said Billy had been acting strange, it turned out his mom was in the hospital. But anyway, his dad’s in the hospital with some sort of gall bladder infection on which they can’t operate due to his dad’s ongoing heart condition. And apparently there are polyps, though where is anybody’s guess. Apparently trying to get details about someone’s health while the someone is on morphine and has a high fever is not very productive.
About 20 minutes after that, my mom called and when my mom calls it’s always interesting. That’s all I’ll say about that, really, because I respect her privacy and there’s really no point in getting into what we talked about in this forum because we’ve all had those talks with our moms and there’s no need to rehash it again unnecessarily. I’ll just leave it at: no matter what, she’s my mom and I love her.
So at this point it’s like 10am, and I’ve got meetings all day and ridiculous people who are trying to say that taxes and fees are included in the price of travel, even though the terms and conditions clearly say taxes and fees are extra. And no matter how many times I try to explain it, it just never seems to make sense.
I skipped lunch in the hopes that I would be able to leave the office early, but when 4:15 rolled around and I was still nowhere near being ready to go, I realized what a bad choice that had been, especially when it would have been so easy to go outside during lunch, lie in the grass and fall asleep under a tree in the shade on the most beautiful day of the year. And I kicked myself as I realized that my trip to the beach tomorrow? It’s not gonna happen, either. Because I only have one more flex day to take off before Labor Day and now I have to use it to go to Jacksonville to visit Billy’s family. Which is something I am more than happy and willing to do, but all I’m saying is, I damn well better get to go to the beach while I am there.
Throughout all of this, I am honestly thinking to myself, “What’s wrong with me? Why the hell am I always so stressed out?”
Clearly I need help.