I’ve been completely stagnant these days. Billy and I had a party here almost 2 1/2 weeks ago and we still haven’t cleaned up. We just got around to throwing away the leftover food tonight before dinner, and that was only because we could no longer stand the smell.
Not cleaning is one symptom of the larger problem. Another symptom is the fact that we’ve lived here for three years and have yet to seriously decorate a goddamn thing. Billy has made efforts but I’ve just looked around thinking, eh, we’ll move again eventually anyway. And that is depressing. Particularly when I regularly look at the walls thinking, now, it would be so cool if I put a little color here, and framed a few photos there and maybe buy that piece of furniture and put it there…
And then I go to work and I know I have at least three things to work on that are related to my job and about four others that aren’t and instead of doing any of that, I sit around looking at well over 1,000 photos of people I don’t know in my RSS reader. Because why do something productive when I can barrage myself with useless information?
On my way home tonight, doing my best to fend off the headache I’d been fending off all day, I started to think, WHY am I doing this to myself? And the usual answers came up – I’m too busy to enjoy a hobby. I’m too tired to clean. I’m too broke to redecorate. And, I will admit, there is an element of truth in those statements, which is probably why this has gone on as long as it has.
But then this little tiny voice in the very back of my soul said, “You are afraid.”
And you know, there’s probably something to that. It seems so bizarre that with so many ideas, and really good ideas at that, I would just sit around watching the flies gather around our garbage can rather than taking out the goddamn garbage. But it’s true; if I took the time and the effort to make my living space my own, I might not like it. Time and energy and money are all such precious commodities for me right now. If I waste it, I’ll not only be in the position of having less of those things, but I’ll also have MORE work to do in undoing the damage. And why would I put myself into that position?
But that’s kind of crazy reasoning, isn’t it? Nothing ventured, nothing gained and all that. So I’m thinking it’s time to prioritize my life yet once again. Maybe work doesn’t have to be the most important part of my day. Maybe having more time to play around in Photoshop is what I need. And maybe I need a new duvet cover that I love, no matter what it costs.*
Of course, the last time I got this notion in my mind I ended up quitting my job altogether so I could go back to school. I’m hoping to avoid that kind of earth-shattering life change this time around, though if the decision somehow happens to be made for me, it might not be such a bad thing, either.
* And also, the fabric that I chose for this design costs $24 a yard and can only be purchased in Japan in quantities larger than 1 yard.