is still alive.

About two weeks ago or so, I made the mistake of looking at my site stats, just to see who may or may not be reading this site. And then I got disgusted and stopped writing. Because ok. If I am not writing to an audience, then why the hell put this shit on the internet, anyway? If I’m the only one reading this crap, then I might as well not broadcast it to the world, you know? So, I stopped.

I do know there are a few who do still read, maybe 3 or 4 or even 5 or 6. To you I say, I won’t drop completely off the face of the earth. But please, if you’re in the habit of holding your breath between posts from the old Caitlinator, I recommend you don’t.


The general update: I’m fucking tired. The last five days have beat my ass into, well, Wednesday. Tonight is the first time since last Thursday that I have been able to do absolutely nothing if it so pleased me. And, by the way, it did. I got in my annual viewing of Rudy tonight, which is a tradition in the life of me. Football season can really start now.

Classes are going ok. I’m taking two classes, history of photography and intro to painting. I may have mentioned this. Sue me. My memory fades with my energy.

Today’s class centered around landscape photography and I correctly deduced that one of the differences between rail travel and road travel is that when you ride on the train, there are other people with you and when you drive a car, you can be alone. I am fucking BRILLIANT.

I also picked out the Ansel Adams photo from the one that wasn’t. I even correctly guessed the date, which astounded everyone, even Ansel Adams from his grave.

I am trying to like painting, but the truth is, I don’t. It is messy and time consuming and I’d much rather draw. Or sculpt. Or knit. Yes, knitting is fun. I haven’t knit anything since I made those 3,000 dolls for my wedding. Or was it 100? I don’t remember, there were so many.

Work is going well. They have pushed back the announcement date for layoffs, so I’ve bought myself another six weeks or so stay of execution. I’m waiting to see how many more bills I can pay off in six weeks, but it’s not looking too good. Especially since I keep spending my money on travel books for Belize and beer and burgers at the Blue Room.

I’ve actually had some opportunity to visit with some friends I haven’t seen in a while, so it hasn’t all been work and errands and chores for me. I’m so happy for my friends in the Bronx, recently engaged and entirely adorable. They cooked Billy and me an incredible meal that involved chicken, bacon, and cheese, and if that doesn’t show true love then I don’t know what does. Last night I hung out with a friend from my very first internship in college that I haven’t seen in nearly a year and I am so excited because she is possibly falling in love with a Londoner. And although they have only spent four days together in the last nine months of knowing each other, I really believe they have a chance. It’s the romantic in me, what can I say?

I have not seen my husband in days. These are the consequences of being a superstar. And I’m not saying that the superstar is me, either. For the record.

Tonight I ordered a pizza instead of cleaning the kitchen or going food shopping. I did this because my throat was hurting and I decided ordering pizza was better than possibly having tonsillitis again. This is how it started last time, and I do not ever want to feel that sort of pain again.

The bedroom project is still on hold. All the supplies are sitting in a nice neat pile in the corner of the bedroom, taunting me as I turn out the lights to go to sleep. I hear them sometimes, calling me in my sleep, “Paint me!” “Hang me!” in their squeaky barely audible voices. And I just say, “Shut the hell up or I’ll bring you back.” That usually shuts them up.

We’re actually hoping to get some painting done this weekend, and not just for my painting class, either. I have two whole days off in a row where I don’t have to write any papers or do any research or run any races in 99% humidity. So I figure I will paint the damn walls before the paint dries up in the can. And before Billy throws the full paint cans at my head in frustration.

And that, lovelies, is the update. Hope that tides you over till next time I actually have a few minutes with nothing else to do. Which will probably be sometime in early November, I imagine.


9 responses to “is still alive.

  • /brandon\

    I saw this when you wrote on Ash’s post about the stats thing. You know, in this day of feedreaders, I think statcounters might be a bit misleading. And isn’t there something rebellious about posting when no one is reading? like dancing when no one is watching?

    since i quit my old site, my own favorite posts get maybe 2 comments.

  • fiction dept

    I want to know why Billy is a superstar…. please. 🙂

  • kat!

    i read every single one of your posts. i just really suck at commenting.

    see? this comment sucks. but your posting does not. also, i hope you never get chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor. less definitely is more in that case.

  • Caitlin

    Not for nothing, but even in feedreaders only about six people are reading. It just seems like such a waste of energy to write all the time like other people are reading when I can just jot something down for myself on the subway and get just as much out of it as if I’d spent the time coming up with something witty and wonderful to broadcast to a whole 10 people.

    And as for Billy being the superstar – well, that was more of a general aside because he puts up with me and my insane moods. When I come home and crash at the end of the day, he’s actually still willing to sit with me and pick up the pieces. Not many people are so willing to do that these days. And also, he has his own shit going on too, in work, in school, in life. We are just not on the same schedule at all. It sucks.

  • Karen

    Before this it never even occurred to me to hope you never get chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor. But now, now I do. Hope that you don’t, I mean.

    I read your posts and try to make sure I comment more than occasionally. I do this because I know it sucks to *know* people are reading your posts in a feedreader but not stopping by to comment. (Because I hate this, I try not to do it myself. I’m not always successful though. Sorry.)

    And by the way, knitting is therapeutic. So if you are feeling stressed, knit. It’s also an economical way to take care of holiday gifts. So you can’t lose with knitting. Go for it!

  • Neil

    I usually just scream my comments out the window and assume you hear them on the other side of Queens.

  • Caitlin

    Hi Karen! I actually don’t mind the lack of comments. And I can tell how many are subscribing to my feed. And I can still say that stat counter and feed subscriptions combined can still be counted on a little over one hand. But I appreciate the comments anyway.

    And Neil, surprisingly enough, sometimes I DO hear you. Weird, huh?

  • Rob Heller

    Hello sister =)

    Writing should never be a chore. Following blogs is not so unlike primetime television… people get hooked for a while and then wander elsewhere.

    Don’t accredit it to your writing, which has the most human quality this internet can ever offer =)

  • Harris

    hey caitlinator,

    i think the decision on whether to blog or not depends on your motivation – Josie claims to do it so friends will keep up with her – I do it for marketing.

    If you really care about gettin’ more peeps to view, the best way is to view (and comment) on other people’s blogs.

    rock on,


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