I am trying to hold on to the Christmas spirit this year, but it is slipping from my grasp. I am remembering years past. Opening one. present. at. a. time. while my dad struggled to get the video camera pointed in the right direction (it never did). The Christmas carols we used to sing with family every year.
I lost my dad when I was 12 and this year I’ve lost my mom. She hasn’t died, but then I don’t even know that for sure any more. Her mental suffering has worsened over the years and now she doesn’t even want me in her life. We’d always been each other’s heart and soul. Her soul is closing.
For Christmas this year, I thought it would be good to slip away to a tropical locale, be alone with my husband, and just lounge by a pool for a few days. On the day before my departure I’m finding that I don’t feel very liberated. Emotionally, I’m stuck somewhere in 1989, laughing with my mom and dad and brother on Christmas morning, and that reality just doesn’t exist for me any more.
I didn’t do any gift exchanges this year, except to give perhaps somewhat over-generously to a needy family, but if I could make one Christmas request, it would be that my mom finds some peace. Whether that peace includes me or not is not important. I just wish she could find the love in her life and let it set her free, even if only for a few moments. I think that kind of love would bring back those Christmas mornings and make them real again. No matter how fleeting it was, it’d be real and it’d be healing.
I’m hoping for a better 2010. Maybe this is my opportunity to open my own heart and see what love I can let in for myself.
Wishing you all a very merry Christmas and happy New Year. It’s not my usual Christmas card, but it comes perhaps with a lot more love.