A mid-book review.

I totally hate the Twilight books. Truly. When I finished the first one, it took all I had not to throw it across the room and burn it. I probably would have, too, except that I downloaded the book onto my iPhone, and, well, I think the iPhone saved the book’s life.

There are a lot of things I dislike about the book, but the main thing is the story. And the writing.

Also, having lived through my own obsessive, angst-ridden relationships (hi, Rich!), it’s truly painful having to listen to Bella’s pitiful moaning about Edward and how distant and stand-offish he is, and how she can’t live without him, and how her whole life is him. I remember how that felt and it fucking SUCKED. Because you know what? Guys like that NEVER stick around, and even if they do, they don’t stay perfect forever. Eventually, they call you at 2 in the morning from their bachelor pad in New Jersey, drunk, asking you to come over and fool around for a while. Or they invite you to Webster Hall for some dancing and then start feeling up other women. Or they just drop off the face of the earth without any explanation whatsoever. Any other “reality” is a myth. (Although – I KNOW – Edward is a VAMPIRE, which really blows that whole argument out of the water, but I felt it needed saying anyway.)

But I digress.

For some reason after the torture of the first book (which involved some laughing at loud during some of the most serious moments – should I have been giddy when Bella had her near-death experience and Edward was tormented by the possibility that he might have to face eternity without her?), I started reading the second one. I’m going to write that again, because I don’t even believe it. I STARTED READING THE SECOND ONE! Exclamation point!

I’m so frustrated with me.

There are probably some spoilers coming up, so be duly warned. Because, lo! My predictions were correct and Edward dumped Bella’s ass for no fucking good reason. Or, at least, that’s what Bella thinks. I’m sure Edward had some damn good reasons. He just chose not to share them with her. How kind of him. And truly everything I would expect from a burning fast and bright kind of relationship.

And then there’s Jacob. Now, I haven’t finished reading this book – I’ve really only just started it – but I’m having my suspicions about him, too. I mean, I’m sensing there is a connection between his mysterious illness and the weird bear-like thing that’s eating hikers in the woods. Maybe HE’LL be the one to get to “eat” Bella?? Please? Seriously, that girl needs to get laid already.

That is all.

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