What drives me crazy is that I should be happy.
Who could have what I have and not be happy? A job that I enjoy, where I do quite well for myself, and where people actually appreciate what I do. A husband I love and who loves me back. A home that is all my own, and which is filled with so much. Friends who would do anything for me. My health. Ambition. Talent. Love.
I feel so empty these days. Maybe it’s not true. It wasn’t that long ago that I was proclaiming my profuse happiness. But it feels true. It feels like I’m living a charade. Putting on the act of a happy person, and not even doing a passable job of it, either.
I miss my family. I miss my dad, a person I feel like I can barely remember. Bits and pieces here and there. All happy memories, and I know for that I am lucky. But only memories, and fading ones at that.
I miss my mom. It’s not fair that I should miss her like this. There is nothing I can do to have her back. Not the way it was.
I miss my brother, all the way across the country, and my sister, across the world.
Today I found myself having a mild anxiety attack at work. I found I couldn’t focus on reading sentences enough to comprehend them and that my eyes kept clouding with tears for no reason. It snuck up on me and I don’t know why.
I remember the day I went back to school after my dad died. It was a Friday (Dad died on a Wednesday). Everyone had said I should wait to go back on Monday but I insisted. How I felt this afternoon brought back that feeling of fog – that feeling of wanting to feel normal, but not being able to do it. Of wanting to understand fractions, but being unable to even discern what numbers I was seeing. How can I understand a complete sentence when the letters all look upside down and backwards to me?
I know this is part of the cycle of life. It’s the dip in the roller coaster. I know it doesn’t last forever, but I keep hoping it will get easier, that the pain will be less. Maybe it’s me. Maybe not. I don’t know.