Winter dreaming

The snow that we got seems almost unnoticeable today. When I look out the window, I’m almost a bit surprised to see white. I heard a lot of tires squealing today, drivers trying futilely to get their cars out of their parking spots, wheels all but frozen in place. The sidewalks are nearly dry. What’s white is probably ice by now. It’s February. What do we expect?

It’s February. Much of February has gone by and I have hardly noticed it. This may be in part by design. February is a painful month. So far I have not found the remedy, except to live inside my own head while the days slip past, slowly getting longer and brighter. Eventually when I come to, the world will be green and blue and pink and yellow again, and that will be a relief.

I’ve been burying myself in my work. Creating presentations, spreadsheets, formulas and macros for no real purpose except to keep my mind out of my head. I’ve been reading almost maniacally for the same reason. It doesn’t quite work – not completely, anyway – but it’s enough to keep me from lying curled up in a ball on the couch, drooling on the pillows. I miss the sunshine, and flowers, and the beach, and the warm weather, and tennis. I don’t know why I miss tennis.

What do I want right now? I don’t know, and that drives me crazy. So I’m busying myself with the act of being still, and waiting for the answers to come. Sometimes I guess that is what we’re meant to do. Be still and wait, for when the time comes, I’ll be rested and ready.

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