Category Archives: mom

Musing

I have spent a lot of time on this blog not writing about my mom. Mostly it has been to protect her privacy. But I feel now that if I don’t get through this post, all the things that follow without it will be a fraud.

Right now, I’m pretty sure my mom and I are not speaking to one another. It’s been about three weeks since we last spoke, and when she joined Facebook a few days ago, she friended everyone in my family… except me. Having leaned on each other most of our lives – though I am only speaking for myself – it’s not exactly been the best couple of weeks in my life.

If I had to guess, it probably has less to do with the sum of money I wouldn’t lend her and more to do with the way I told her I wouldn’t lend it to her. I probably could have been gentler in telling her no. But I also think I deserved a bit more respect than I got in response.

The details of our argument are not worth getting into publicly. It’s not about taking sides, or getting in the middle. I wouldn’t expect that from anyone. But I think it’s also fair to say that we’ve both suffered a loss, here, and a significant one. And whether it’s real or only my perception, I’ve really felt quite cut adrift from the rest of my family as a result. Maybe I deserve it. I don’t personally think so, but then I’m probably a little biased.

The only thing I’ve been able to do is try to look forward and focus on my own life, the one I’ve been neglecting in my worry over my mother’s well-being. I’ve turned around and realized I’m 31 years old and hey, I’m married, too. When did that happen? To say that Billy and I are reconnecting is an understatement. It’s been wonderful and difficult all at once, and that, I suppose, is marriage.

We’ve assessed our debts and come up with a plan to pay them off in their entirety within the next 10 years. It involves sacrifice and dedication, but so far in the last two weeks, we have made incredible strides. Eating home-cooked meals has helped. Not drinking has also saved us heaps, in more ways than one. Because, yes, I am back on the wagon, and it has been great.

My job is blossoming into a career, and although most days when I get home I need an hour or two to lay in bed and recover from the mountains of stress I encounter at the office, I have to say that it’s a job I do truly enjoy. It’s challenging, and always pushing the bar, and I feel like what I do makes a difference. And, it helps to pay our debts. Right now, I couldn’t ask for more than that.

Billy and I are considering a move in the next year or so. New York City is one of the best places in the whole world, no doubt. But it has a way of churning our souls, and after nearly 15 years, our souls are ready to sit back on our porch in the country and watch bees buzz amid the daisies. Right now, it’s hard to say what we will be able to afford, both financially and emotionally, but a front-runner is Ithaca, NY. We are also looking a bit closer to home, but nowhere specific. It’s nice to finally start seeing plans take shape, though, and to know that we have choices.

And as I think of the family I have lost and potentially lost, between my father’s death and my mother’s illness, I can’t help but think of the possibility of starting anew with a family of our own. It doesn’t seem as farfetched as it did several years ago, somehow.

Even with all these developments on the horizon of my own life, I can’t help but resist the change a bit. It’s always been my affliction – wanting my world to change, but being afraid to actually change it. But, now is the time. As they say, when a door closes, a window is opening. And maybe I’m ready to seize the moment after all.

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Reading list.

Yesterday I finished reading A Beautiful Mind. It was a long book, and really not what I’d expected, but it was good and I’m glad I read it. Having already seen the movie, I was expecting it to be more of a narrative than a straight biography, but straight biography is what I got. And it was very heavy on the math references. In hindsight, I suppose that’s to be expected from a biography about a mathematical genius. At the time I kind of felt cheated that I had to read about all this math that I could never understand.

I’m glad I read it. Originally I’d picked it out, thinking that reading about someone else’s mental illness might give me some insight into my mother’s mental illness. In the end, it did that, although not in the way I expected. John Nash’s illness, schizophrenia, is nothing like what my mom has. His personal story is nothing like my mom’s. But I guess it was good to read that there was someone else who was dealing with the trials and mistakes that come with mental illness. That despite the mistakes, despite the not knowing, things have a way of coming out ok in the end. I think I know that deep in my heart, but it’s easy to forget sometimes when things are feeling bleak.

In the end, I am glad I read the book, but I’m also glad I’m finished reading it. It was dense and full of references I will never understand and a very slow read. It read more like a textbook than anything else. I learned a lot about Nash’s life that absolutely did not come across in the movie (shocker!). But it was long, it was tedious, and I’m ready for something uplifting.

So what did I pick up next? The Lovely Bones. Oh yeah. This one’s DEFINITELY uplifting. Not. But I will say that it is a quick read, and an interesting one, and that is kind of what I needed. Next I think I will have to pick something light and fluffy that just makes me feel good all over. Something with no drama but that is still entertaining, where everybody is just happy all the time. Is that even possible in life? Is it possible in fiction? Who knows… I’m kind of skeptical.


Random.

Here I go telling everyone I’m moving over to a new site and then I don’t post anything new for a week. What a great blog host I am!

It’s been a weird week. I ended up making a spur of the moment trip to Florida on Monday evening to take care of my mom’s new puppy while she was in the hospital. Not knowing how long she’d be there, I booked the return flight for Friday, just in case. As it turned out, she was home by Wednesday, which was good, but a tad unexpected.

Can I just say, my mom’s dog Beau is SO CUTE? She has a maltese-shi’tzu mix. He is 5 pounds, 14 ounces. He loves to run, jump, and play. He was definitely the highlight of my trip.

After we got home on Friday night, it was baby shower followed by breakfast with an old friend followed by a bridal shower and holy shit I am fucking tired now! Things don’t lighten up over the next week or so, either. Yoga tonight, running tomorrow night, a late meeting at work on Wednesday, a 9am call to India on Thursday, plus my Thursday night NAMI meeting, a wedding henna ceremony on Friday, a wedding on Saturday, a drive to Saugerties on Sunday, and then back to friggin’ work to do it again on Monday.

I’m giving up on housework for the month of April, I think. I’m just going to buy new clothes, preferably online for delivery, order takeout, and sleep in every free moment I have between now and May 1.

Yay life!