Challenge.

Wouldn’t it be nice to spend a whole day just searching for one beautiful thing to remember it by? Sometimes it must be easier than others. But imagine if you collected 365 days of beauty and you could flip through it when you were feeling low, and keep adding to it to keep it – and you – alive.

In mid-July I started snapping photos with my Hipstamatic iPhone app with the idea of doing one a day, every day, for a year. I’ve done these 365 day projects before and I think the farthest I’ve ever gotten was under 200 days. But I figured, what the hell. The worst that happens is I end up with a bunch of interesting photos to string together in a sequence. How can that hurt?

So far I haven’t missed a day. For those who don’t feel like counting that high, today is day 64.* And yes, I have an app to tell me that, too.

But what if I up the ante for these next 301 days? What if I say to myself that I will photograph one beautiful thing every day with my fake toy camera (phone)? What will I end up with at the end of a year? Will it lift me up on days I’d rather not open my eyes? Will I crumble under the pressure? What if I can’t find one beautiful thing every day? Is that even possible?

So many questions. But I am not one to turn down a challenge.

*I realize that there are more than 64 photos in my set, but that’s because I started and stopped this project a few times before I really got on a roll.

Musing

I have spent a lot of time on this blog not writing about my mom. Mostly it has been to protect her privacy. But I feel now that if I don’t get through this post, all the things that follow without it will be a fraud.

Right now, I’m pretty sure my mom and I are not speaking to one another. It’s been about three weeks since we last spoke, and when she joined Facebook a few days ago, she friended everyone in my family… except me. Having leaned on each other most of our lives – though I am only speaking for myself – it’s not exactly been the best couple of weeks in my life.

If I had to guess, it probably has less to do with the sum of money I wouldn’t lend her and more to do with the way I told her I wouldn’t lend it to her. I probably could have been gentler in telling her no. But I also think I deserved a bit more respect than I got in response.

The details of our argument are not worth getting into publicly. It’s not about taking sides, or getting in the middle. I wouldn’t expect that from anyone. But I think it’s also fair to say that we’ve both suffered a loss, here, and a significant one. And whether it’s real or only my perception, I’ve really felt quite cut adrift from the rest of my family as a result. Maybe I deserve it. I don’t personally think so, but then I’m probably a little biased.

The only thing I’ve been able to do is try to look forward and focus on my own life, the one I’ve been neglecting in my worry over my mother’s well-being. I’ve turned around and realized I’m 31 years old and hey, I’m married, too. When did that happen? To say that Billy and I are reconnecting is an understatement. It’s been wonderful and difficult all at once, and that, I suppose, is marriage.

We’ve assessed our debts and come up with a plan to pay them off in their entirety within the next 10 years. It involves sacrifice and dedication, but so far in the last two weeks, we have made incredible strides. Eating home-cooked meals has helped. Not drinking has also saved us heaps, in more ways than one. Because, yes, I am back on the wagon, and it has been great.

My job is blossoming into a career, and although most days when I get home I need an hour or two to lay in bed and recover from the mountains of stress I encounter at the office, I have to say that it’s a job I do truly enjoy. It’s challenging, and always pushing the bar, and I feel like what I do makes a difference. And, it helps to pay our debts. Right now, I couldn’t ask for more than that.

Billy and I are considering a move in the next year or so. New York City is one of the best places in the whole world, no doubt. But it has a way of churning our souls, and after nearly 15 years, our souls are ready to sit back on our porch in the country and watch bees buzz amid the daisies. Right now, it’s hard to say what we will be able to afford, both financially and emotionally, but a front-runner is Ithaca, NY. We are also looking a bit closer to home, but nowhere specific. It’s nice to finally start seeing plans take shape, though, and to know that we have choices.

And as I think of the family I have lost and potentially lost, between my father’s death and my mother’s illness, I can’t help but think of the possibility of starting anew with a family of our own. It doesn’t seem as farfetched as it did several years ago, somehow.

Even with all these developments on the horizon of my own life, I can’t help but resist the change a bit. It’s always been my affliction – wanting my world to change, but being afraid to actually change it. But, now is the time. As they say, when a door closes, a window is opening. And maybe I’m ready to seize the moment after all.

Assessment.

It’s been a good weekend so far. Saturday I ended up spending the day in, knitting and watching football, on account of Billy’s bum foot. It must really be bothering him, too, because he made an appointment to see a doctor tomorrow, and let’s just say he would only do that if the only other alternative was getting out the hacksaw.

Yesterday I managed to get out to the beach one last time, and it was a lovely day. We have a routine pretty much down pat at this point – leave Queens at 9:30am, arrive to Hampton Bays by 11:30, stop at Tully’s (gosh, they don’t have a website!) for some deep fried awesomeness, brave the flooded roads, and arrive to the beach by noonish. We hit the restroom at 4:45 before they close at 5, and then usually back on the road by 5:30. It’s friggin’ awesome. Yesterday’s trip was no exception. The cooler weather (mid-70’s) and high wind (seriously) kept most people off the beach, so it was quiet (with only one or two exceptions, and you know who you are). I was surprised when I got home, though, that my hair wasn’t sticking out permanently to the left side of my face. It was, however, what one might describe as a rat’s nest. I tried to brush it out when I got home but gave up mid-brush. I think the brush may still be in there somewhere.

I also did some knitting yesterday. I’ve started a pair of socks, as well as a baby blanket. Again, I don’t really have anyone in mind for these projects, but I was getting to where if I didn’t have something to knit right away, I was going to be quite unpleasant to be around. And I became instantly relaxed. I love knitting, almost to an unhealthy degree. At the very least, it’s a productive hobby, because when I finish a project, I’ve got a gift to give! And a handmade gift is generally much appreciated, in my experience.

Today I’m thinking about how the summer is starting to wind down a bit. I am looking back to my list for the year (which, by the way, has been a great reference to keep me focused on FUN things and not CRAPPY things) and thinking about how I’ve done a pretty good job so far! Some of these things won’t get done this year (I’m thinking getting to the cherry blossom festival in DC is probably out this year, since it was in April), but they will be good goals for next year, too. I think it’s time to add a few new goals for fall, too. Things like:

• learn how to play “The Entertainer” on the piano
• go to the Dutchess County Sheep & Wool Festival
• go pumpkin picking
• bake a peach pie
• carve a jack-o-lantern and light it on Halloween
• make chili in the slow cooker, watch Rudy, and drink apple cider on a college football game day
• go for a fall foliage hike

I can and probably will come up with more items for the list, too. But this is a good start.

It’s past my bedtime. Again.

And here I thought I was getting into a good groove again. Ah well. No time like the present to break a trend.

Again, lots going on and very little time to appreciate it, less write about it. Big news of this week: Wednesday was my five-year anniversary for McDonald’s sobriety. I am really quite proud of myself – it was a 90-day challenge back in 2005, but when that 90 days ended, I found I really had no desire to go back to it. And I really haven’t missed it, either. In the last five years, the only fast food I have eaten has been pizza, Subway (but only a handful of times, and I hated it each time), and once I went to Roy Rogers with my aunt on the way up to Vermont because it was the only food on the highway. I had a chicken sandwich and a salad. It was gross.

I can honestly say that I don’t miss the grease and that I feel healthier for making this choice in my life. I don’t think I’ll ever go back to McDonald’s, unless it was the last place on earth and I was starving.

I’ve been getting very caught up in the moment and trying to do what’s “right.” This has meant late nights at the gym and trying to cook all my meals and get to the supermarket, all after a long day at the office. I come home tired and wasted from the effort. So today I gave it up, came home, took a nap, and have puttered around doing nothing of importance.

EXCEPT: Today Billy and I officially paid off all of our credit card debt. That just leaves another $49,000 (give or take $10 grand) in debts left to pay off. Hooray! I am still waiting to stumble onto that money tree – I should have figured out how much I spend on McDonald’s and put all that aside into savings to pay off my debts. Now that would have been special.

Weekend plans.

For the first time in what feels like ages, Billy and I both have the weekend off and we don’t have any plans. I almost hesitate to say that out loud, because I’m sure I’m inviting people to offer to fill the chasm. I’m not sure we want the chasm filled this time. It will be nice to stay in the city and do things that only cost no money. I have a feeling we’ll be doing a fair amount of dreaming, and by dreaming I mean planning. Because at this point I think we’ve got our dreams fairly well established. It’s now time to start making them happen. Time to roll out the paper and start making blueprints.

I’m envisioning us walking around in white t-shirts with the sleeves rolled up, sharpened pencils in the front pocket (because all white t-shirts should have a pocket in the front), and visors as we buckle down and make it happen. We’ll both grow some stubble and take out some calculators with long reams of receipt paper streaming out as we calculate furiously. We’ll blare out Metallica to the point that our neighbors have to smoke their whole stash of pot to numb their senses. We’ll get high off the fumes and eat fried chicken and smoke Marlboro Reds and when we are done we will streak down Roosevelt Avenue until we are arrested. When they come to clear out the apartment, there will be news articles about that crazy couple who went mad trying to plan for the future. We will be the coolest people on C-block and we’ll never have to cook our own meals again.

Sounds like a plan.

Tubing the Esopus

I have wanted to go tubing down the Esopus Creek ever since I was a pimply teenager. Now that I’m a pimply adult with my own car and a husband to drag along with me, I can finally say that I’ve done it!

On Friday, we headed over to the Town Tinker to rent our tubes and hit the water. We got a nice little speech about tips for tubing the Esopus. It was about 45 seconds long and most of it was spent parked on the bridge pointing out where we would need to exit the creek in order to return the tubes and gear. About five minutes later, we were dumped out at the creek and I think I may have heard the driver laughing evilly under his breath as the tires squealed out of the area.

Ignoring what had surely only been my imagination, we got into the water! Yippee! I was all set for a leisurely float down the creek where we would take pictures and chat about intellectual issues. If only I’d brought my camera, goddamn it! Oh well, I’d have to take pictures with my feeble human memory instead.

I got into my tube and was quickly whisked into the current. Billy got into his tube and quickly got stuck on a rock. The distance between us kept increasing and increasing until we could barely hear each other shouting at the top of our lungs. So, I did what seemed a perfectly reasonable thing to do and I tried to get out of my tube and wait for him.

You guys, the Esopus Creek does not fuck around. I obviously did not respect the creek, because I got out of my tube and the creek knocked me down. And in my surprise and haste to grab my tube, I dropped our car key. Into the rushing flood of water that was knocking me over. And just like that, only two minutes after the bus driver left us for dead, the car key was gone.

At this point, I’m holding onto my tube with one hand and a tree branch with another and my arms are being stretched out like rubber bands by the river current. Billy is still stuck on a rock. So I decide the only logical thing to do is to try to get to calmer water where I can wait for Billy and cry.

Billy finally made it over and reassured me that there was nothing to worry about because he still had his car key! Yes! I asked him where it was and he said it was in the (locked) car. I figured at this point, though, that it didn’t matter where the car key was because our only objective now was to get the hell out of this creek and have a strong drink. And that meant another 2 1/2 miles of tubing.

So we climbed back into our tubes and let the current take us away.

About 10 minutes later, Billy’s tube got flipped over by rocks and strong current, and when I turned around to try to help him out, I saw it. Our car key! Seriously! Right there, floating next to Billy’s butt! I managed to paddle my tube over there and grab the key and I was so happy, people. I think I cried more after finding the car key than I did when I lost it.

We continued bumping and bustling our way down the creek, which wasn’t as fun as it sounds. We both kept getting stuck on rocks because the water level was so low, and because I weigh a lot less than Billy, he got a lot more hung up than I did. So I kept having to paddle my way over into quiet sections to try to stop and wait for him. Otherwise I probably would have finished tubing later that afternoon, and he’d probably still be there, stuck on a rock.

There was one rapid relatively early on that I just wasn’t expecting to be as strong as it was (you’ll see this is a recurring theme), and it knocked me right out of my tube and under the water. I think I took a nice big deep breath of water, not realizing I was underneath it, which understandably made it difficult for me to breathe air. Making my way back above water, I realized, with one hand holding onto my tube for dear life, that the force of the water had not only knocked the wind out of me, but it had also dislodged both my contact lenses. To give an idea of what it’s like for me without my contacts, I’d need to be about three inches away from someone to identify him, which I would still have to do by smell.

I managed to crawl over to the bank (thank god there was actually a bank here, and not just a bunch of tree branches that I would have had to hold onto) so I could catch my breath and try to find my contacts, which thankfully were still in my eyes somewhere and not in the creek. I managed to slide them back into place, and slowly my heartbeat began to fall back into the realm of “moderately terrified.”

After a while, we hit a stretch of calm water. Sensing this was too easy, I looked over at Billy and noticed his wedding ring was missing. I asked whether he’d had the foresight to take it off before we got in the water. You know the answer, don’t you? Some fish in the Esopus Creek is wearing an awfully nice wedding ring right now.

[Aside: Actually, now that I think about it, that’s probably what started the whole idea for The Lord of the Rings, isn’t it? I think it must be.]

By now, we were both destroyed. Emotionally, physically. We just wanted to get back to our campsite, drink a case of beer, and pretend this day had never happened. But we still hadn’t even come upon the first landmark we were told about! We were doomed.

We trudged on, continuing to get thrown and tossed around on our little tubes, and FINALLY, there it was. Our landmark, the first bridge.

I made it through without much incident. Billy was not quite so lucky. He plowed directly into a downed tree with such force that the tree itself was knocked loose and dragged into the next zip code before Billy could even look up. Billy’s tube went out from under him and as he tried to grab it, he slipped on a rock. The tube went one way, he another, and he belly-surfed over the rocks all the way to the bridge. And I’m sitting there in my tube, holding onto my tree branch thinking, OK. Car keys, wedding rings, and pride I am all ok with losing. But we will NOT lose my husband’s tube!

It was pretty heroic, really. I rescued the tube with triumphant valiance! And I only cracked two kneecaps in the process.

After passing somewhat uneventfully by a quaint little hand-painted wooden sign that simply said, “Danger Area,” with a cute little skull and crossbones underneath it, we finally saw it. Our bridge. The one that signaled the end. We started paddling to get downstream faster until… we stopped. We were about 200 yards away from the finish, and the creek at this point had dried up to about 3 inches deep. The Esopus won. We had to walk back, defeated.

People: All I can say is, beer never tasted so good.

Holy crap.

So after all my bragging yesterday about all the zen in my life, today it all went to hell and I had one of the stressful sorts of days that made that trip to Acadia so important to my mental health. It was the sort of day that makes you wonder whether you’ll ever survive another moment, and when you do survive the next moment and even manage to get back to your own home where you can finally take off your shoes and your pants, you wonder – if you manage to get to sleep at all – whether you’ll be able to wake up, because quite honestly, having to face another stress cooker like this can’t be worse than bed sores and bad breath.

Stories from our tubing adventure still to come. But first sleep. Sweet, sweet sleep.

Taking a bite out of the big apple

A theme in my life over the last couple of years has been the building level of stress that I’ve been trying my best to ignore. Turns out that ignoring stress doesn’t make it go away. So over the last three weeks or so I’ve been trying to take some specific steps to stem my anxiety and chill out a little. The hope is that by doing so, I’ll have more time and energy to do things I enjoy, I’ll fit into my own pants again, and I’ll be more fun to be around.

The trip to Acadia was an amazing eye-opener for me. I discovered that with a decent amount of sleep, plenty of time in the outdoors, and some playful exercise (as in climbing up a mountain, biking to a pond, kayaking, tubing) actually filled me up in ways I haven’t felt full in ages. So I’ve been trying my best to keep the spirit of that trip alive as best I can. I’ve kept the TV turned off a lot more. We listen to baseball games now and play cards instead of sitting like lumps on the recliners. We use the new free time to keep the apartment clean and pleasant. We cook our meals instead of going out for burgers and beer. Not only have we saved money, but we’ve eaten quite well and I’ve even lost a couple pounds. That’s without adding in any exercise.

I’ve also made quiet time for after 9:30 so I can be in bed and asleep by 10:30. I can’t tell you how much this has done for me. I feel like a new person just by sleeping more. It’s awesome.

All of these things have reawakened some creative spirit in me, too. I’ve got more time to write! And to take pictures. Instead of thinking about project ideas I think might be fun, I’m just doing them. Over the weekend, after a trip to the local greenmarket, I found myself with some free time so I tried an experiment. One apple, 25 photos. I kind of thought it would be neat. I kind of cheated a bit, and I’m a little disappointed in how it turned out once I gave in and started altering the apple, but I like how it made me think creatively. Some of the images I quite like. One is a little risque so you have to go through a safety filter to see it, but I think it is my favorite of the bunch. I don’t know that it’s any great work of art, but it was an exercise that made me feel good about me. I know not everyone can understand that, but that’s part of what makes it special. It’s entirely mine.

The post where I bore you with my knitting projects.

I totally want to tell you about that time we went tubing down the Esopus (you know, last week), but I think I know better than to post something good here on a Friday night. You people all go and do things Friday night and then get busy over the weekend and by the time Monday comes around, you’re all frazzled from your busy weekend and the shock of having to get back to work and suddenly my cool story isn’t that interesting any more. Look for it on Tuesday. If I still have time to write it by then.

For tonight, I’ll share with you some knitting projects I recently completed. I’ve become what can only be described as obsessed with knitting. I’ll admit that my vacation in the wilderness with no time for knitting did slow me down a bit, but I assure you that my plans after writing this post most definitely include picking up a set of double pointed needles.

Let’s see… I think I already mentioned my first pair of socks.

They were fun to make, and I got a LOT of unsolicited commentary on them from people who saw me knitting them. One woman sitting next to me on the subway couldn’t believe I was knitting with such tiny needles. One guy on an airplane thought that hand-knitted socks were just the COOLEST thing he had ever seen. Most people were just amazed at how small the stitching was. Mostly I worried about whether these things would fit on my feet. And they do. Mostly. If I never wash them (the socks, not my feet).

I made a phone sock for my friend Kathy.

This is something I designed myself, and I surprised myself by actually liking it! There is lots of cabling in it (obviously), and it was a bit annoying using that cable needle so much, but I finished the knitting of it in an afternoon and still had time for other knitting in the same day. I think what makes this one nice, though, is the lining on the inside. I had this really cute pink flowery fabric that was just dying to be made into a phone sock, and it’s such a pleasant surprise to peek inside and see it there with the green knitting on the outside. I wish I had more of that fabric to make another one, but alas, I will have to just find something else to love.

For Siggi’s birthday and going away dinner, I wanted to make something extra-special, so I made her this (if I say so myself) adorable owl sweater.

This sweater was incredibly quick and fun to knit, and when those owls started knitting up, I couldn’t help but smile. The worst part was sewing all those little buttons on for eyes, but all in all it came out nice! Unfortunately I guessed on the measurements and it didn’t fit Siggi (it just about fits me), so I am going to have to make another one. Alas! Another fun knitting project on my agenda!

Since I had anticipated the sweater possibly not fitting, I wanted to make something else for Siggi to actually be able to take with her to Oregon. So I made this scarf.

I used a simple entrelac pattern and this one knitted up in about a week. That’s with me knitting in every spare moment, including once or twice on the toilet. OK, maybe not on the toilet. But I was definitely knitting everywhere and all the time to get it done in time. I really like the yarn. The colors are really pretty. I’m making another one in red and purple.

I also made an emergency hat and bootie set for a colleague who was having a baby, but because I had to finish them up in about a day, I didn’t have a chance to snap a photo of them to save for posterity. It’s really kind of a shame, because they were absolutely adorable. Oh well.

Right now I’m making a baby sweater for a little one-year-old girl, but haven’t quite decided yet who to give it to. I would like to take a picture for you, but my camera battery is completely dead. (8/14/10: Updated to add the photo):
I know a few little girl babies and at least one or two potential little girl babies, but to be honest, I kind of like this one a lot too, so I may keep it for myself on the off chance I have a little girl myself someday. I also want to finish that red and purple scarf and get that second owl sweater done and then I have some great yarn that a certain best friend got for me that is just aching to be knit up into something special. I guess I could start thinking about Christmas presents, but dude. Christmas in August? Just how productive can one knitter be? Sheesh.

Reprieve

Billy and I have been taking it easy this first week back from vacation, and it’s been nice. We’ve been eating at home, which feels good in our wallets and in our waists. We’ve been cleaning house a little at a time so as not to waste a weekend having to do it all. We’ve had time to sit and enjoy what’s left of summer and still get to bed with enough hours left to sleep and dream. Tonight we even left the TV off and played cards, and even though we’re acting like we’re 90, it felt good.

It’s nice to slow down a bit and just be at peace. Even if only for a moment.